19 Perfect ‘Raising Arizona’ Movie Quotes
The 1987 comedy classic packs killer lines and the goofiest soundtrack ... ever?
Thirty years ago Nicolas Cage stole one of five quintuplets and never looked back.
Big mistake.
Joel and Ethan Coen’s “Raising Arizona
” didn’t shatter box office records during its theatrical run. The film, starring Cage and rising star Holly Hunter, opened in limited release March 13 before expanding nationally April 17. The 1987 comedy generated $22 million stateside. That’s not too shabby considering it played in far fewer screens than most wide releases.
Still, that’s barely a footnote in that year’s box office story.
“Three Men And A Baby
” delivered 1987’s most popular film. The Leonard Nimoy comedy hauled in $167 million to take the year’s top spot ahead of “Fatal Attraction” ($157 million). “Beverly Hills Cop II,” with Eddie Murphy reprising his now iconic Axel Foley, followed with $153 million.
“Raising Arizona” endures all the same.
RELATED: Cage’s ‘Wild at Heart’ Speaks Volumes … About America
It’s hard to name another movie with more quotable lines, let alone outrageous set pieces. Good luck finding a more original chase sequence than this.
The Coens went on to direct other comedies. Many swear “The Big Lebowski” is their finest comedic hour. The Dude may abide, but he can’t compare to H.I. McDunnough and co. … or Dot extolling the joys of parenthood.
Need proof?
Consider the following 19 quotes from the Coens’ “Raising Arizona.” Any movie would be lucky to have a handful of lines this good. “Raising Arizona” has even more gems, but we had to stop at some point.
Driver: Son, you got a panty on your head.
Evelle: [holding a bag of balloons] These blow up into funny shapes and all?
Clerk: Well no, unless round is funny.
H.I.: Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
H.I.: There’s what’s right and there’s what’s right and never the twain shall meet.
Ed: [crying] Turn to the right.
H.I.: What’s the matter, Ed?
Ed: My “fy-ance” left me…
H.I.: That sumbitch. You tell him, I think he’s a damn fool, Ed. You tell him I said so – H.I. McDonnough. If he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me: in the Maricopa County Maximum Security Correctional Facility For Men State Farm, Road Number 31, Tempe, Arizona! I’ll be waitin’! I’ll be waiting.
Evelle: H.I., you’re young and you got your health, what you want with a job?
Glen: Say that reminds me, how’d you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a’ somethin’ went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, “Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?” Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It’s a crazy world.
Gale: I know you’re partial to convenient stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun doesn’t rise and set on the corner grocery.
Payroll Employee: Gov-mint do take a bite, don’t she?
H.I.: This here’s the TV. Two hours a day, maximum, either… either educational or football, so’s, y’know, you don’t ruin your appreciation of the finer things.
Dot: Rollie! You take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!
Evelle: Ma’am, you don’t breast-feed him, he’ll hate you for it later. That’s why we wound up in prison.
Dot: You soak his thumb in iodine and you might get by without the orthodonture, but it won’t knock a thing off the university.
Nathan Arizona, Sr.: That’s your forte, ain’t it? Chasing down crooks and Commies and shit. That’s your whole God-damn raison d’etre, ain’t it?
Ed: You mean you busted out of jail.
Evelle: No, ma’am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance.
Gale: What Evelle here is trying to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.
Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it’s just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.
Evelle: Either way, we’re fixed for life.
Gale: All right, ya hayseeds, it’s a stick-up. Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground.
Bank Customer: Well, which is it, young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if’n I freeze, I can’t rightly drop. And if’n I drop, I’m a-gonna be in motion. You see…
Gale: Shut up!
H.I.: We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.
Tough to pick a favorite … but is there one quote that stands above the rest? Maybe a funny divorce quote we left out?
Leave your answer in the comments below. And while you’re at it, here’s a gaggle of great comedy clips to lighten your day.
BONUS: Meet the man who gave “Raising Arizona” that distinctive, out of control vibe – cinematographer Barry Sonnenfeld.
There are literally dozens of brilliantly worded ‘funnies’ in this underrated classic…
‘ How come you’re not breast-feeding him? You appear capable…’
‘We ate sand…you ate sand?’
Late, great Trey Wilson is brilliant in this flick.
And dont forget…’I don’t know…maybe Utah’
My family and I watched the movie over thirty years ago. We adorred it! Couldn’t get enough.
Last year we watched it again and my dad commented with a catch in his throat that we laughed just as hard that time around as the first time we all sat down to it.
The endless one-liners. For me it is,
‘I’m not a big man… ‘Glenn’.
Or…
‘Everythings CHANGED!’
What? Are you kidding!?! We got us a family here!
We’re set to pop here, honey!
“I’m not gonna live this way, Hi! It just ain’t family life!!!” -HH
“You and me’s just a fools paradise.” – HH
This movie was MADE for Holly Hunter!!! I will watch it again and again at every opportunity!
H.I.: Do you ever get the feeling that there’s something… Powerful pressing down on you?
Glen: Yes, I know that feeling. I told Dot to lose some weight but she don’t wanna listen.
Fifteen years after seeing the movie in 1987, I start having kids, and then “mother-scratcher” has been a handy substitute cuss and I still use all the time now.
I think you can take every quote from above and the senence before and the one after are funny too.
And me & Bill were patrolling down Nine Miles.
Bill Roberts?
No, not that mother-scratcher. Bill Parker. Anyway, we’re approaching the wreck, and there’s this spherical object a restin’ in the highway. And it’s not a piece of the car.
What did the pajamas look like?
I don’t know – they were jammies! They had Yodas and shit all over them.
I need a baby HI. They got more than they can handle.
He ain’t too good. You can see that little twinkle in his eye.
Oh he don’t know a cuss word from Shinola.
“Welcome Home Son”…where’s he been?
No honey we’ve o’er this and o’er and there’s what’s right and there’s what’s right and never the twain shall meet.
Y’all hear that, we’re using code names.
Are you crazy, suppose we go in there and get ourselves killed. It will be hours before the find baby junior.
Oh this is gonna split up nice three ways.
I loves to drive.
Why as a baby I myself fetched fifty thousand dollars, and those were 1953 dollars.
No leads? Y’all are in the one house in the one state that I know my son isn’t at!
Sir you may want to wash your hands at this point.
I’m not running a daisy farm. My motto is watch your butt.
Myles, I’m getting sick of your excuses Myles. It’s exactly 5:45 in the pm and 12 hours I’m gonna come down there and kick me some butt, or my name ain’t Nathan Arizona!
Would you buy furniture from a place called Unpainted Huffines?
Just lay down Missy.
Where’s the tellers? We’er over here Sir. There on the ground like you commanded Gale.
I’ll pitch my voice wherever I PLEASE!!!!!!
Oh you a big man when you got something to clobber a guy with.
Now see that’s disease and Dr. Glen’s got the cure.
Now you wouldn’t know it by looking at it but Dot is a hellcat– T-I-G-E-R
What am I talking about? I’m talking what they call nowadays “Open Marriage” I’m talking about wife swapping!
Keep your damn hands off my wife.
C’mon now, I’m in Dutch with the wife.
You sonofabitch! You sonofabitch!
Hold on junior, we’re gonna get Daddy.
We picked up the tip from a Lawrence Spivey, one of Dick Nixon’s undersecretaries. He was in for solidity sex from a state trooper.
As a matter of fact, I did lose my job today.
I didn’t invite ya in Glen.
Gubmint do take a bite dont she?
No not that mother scratcher, Bill Parker. Anyways
He’s got his sandwich in one hand and the fucking head in the other,.
Don’t forget his profile Ed.
Boy didn’t we just tell you not to do that? Well Okay then.
Howdy Curt……….
Man I have this script memorized. I’ve watched this movie over 100 times. I could go on forever…..
Here four years later to say OK THEN!
I’ll be taking these Huggies, and whatever cash you got.
Yep.
Nailed it
“Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard.”
This one kills me-he’s so damn specific about it while at once posturing faux badass…”If he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me: in the Maricopa County Maximum Security Correctional Facility For Men State Farm, Road Number 31, Tempe, Arizona!”
Surely “Gimme that baby, you warthog from hell!” should be on this list!
My thought exactly!
It should be at the TOP of the list!