Jeb Bush would like his exclamation mark back, thank you.
Or should we say, “Thank you!”
“The Bride!” goes the full Jeb in ways that remind us of his crash-and-burn presidential campaign. Writer/director Maggie Gyllenhaal goes for broke on her second film, taking Mary Shelley’s classic tome and turning it into a MeToo lecture.
It’s a garishly beautiful lecture, but the film’s core themes are redundant and dull.
Men bad. Women good … and oppressed … and angry.
Sorry. They’re angry!
When we first meet Ida (Jessie Buckley, the future Bride), she’s stuck in a posh restaurant surrounded by sweaty, arrogant men. The setting? 1930s Chicago, a time when women had far less agency than they enjoy today.
This is what you call foreshadowing.
A disagreement leaves her dead at the bottom of a stairway, but that’s just the way Frank (Christian Bale) wants her. He’s a scarred soul stitched together by a mad scientist decades earlier, and he desperately wants a mate.
You can’t blame the guy.
So he digs up the recently buried Ida and brings her to Dr. Euphronious (Annette Bening). The doctor quickly revives her, but she isn’t sure what her name is or who she was before her murder.
She bonds, to a degree, with Frank (yes, it’s short for Frankenstein), and before you can say, “Bonnie and Clyde,” the two are off on a deadly adventure.
They can’t stop killing those who won’t accept them for their authentic, stitched-together selves. That gets the attention of two detectives (Peter Sarsgaard, Penélope Cruz) who track the pair with some help from their love of feature films.
Confused? Gyllenhaal’s script doesn’t sweat many (any?) details, but suffice it to say “The Bride!” is a love story/monster movie/road trip all in one.
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The film sneaks in a few pop culture nods, including a giggle-worthy shout-out to “Young Frankenstein.” Boris Karloff’s “Monster Mash” plays over the end credits. And the script slams movie sequels for good measure.
This is a full-on re-imagining a Universal monster with a distinct “Joker” vibe. Or is that “Joker: Folie à Deux?” No matter. The tonal whiplash may require Blue Cross / Blue Shield coverage.
The film channels Shelley in ways we won’t reveal, but know it’s a bold move that doesn’t pay off in the slightest. It does give Buckley even more scenery to chew, and she’d better mainline Ozempic after this performance.
Buckley and Bale act as if every scene is a For Your Consideration closeup. And they scream, boy, do they scream. Sure, they’re monsters in various stages of pain (physical and emotional), but the volume wears on the film.
And us.
One dance number mid-film is a hoot, allowing Gyllenhaal to let loose, visually speaking. And the costumes and makeup are never less than astounding.
Whoever created the inky stain on The Bride’s face deserves a fat raise. It’s instantly iconic, even if the film can’t come close to that description.
The bigger issue gnaws at the viewer. Are these two misunderstood souls falling in love? Maybe. Partially. But the Bride’s empowerment journey always comes first.
Gyllenhaal’s feminist agenda starts early and never lets up. Some films treat that subject with care, like 1991’s “The Silence of the Lambs,” which lets us know Clarice Starling’s gender made her unwelcome within the FBI ranks.
Less is more in most cinematic cases. Here, more is decidedly less.
The story’s anachronisms are maddening and inconsistent, and they’re all about pushing an agenda. The phrase “Me too” is literally shouted in case you missed the film’s true north.
Subplots which might have given “The Bride!” heft receive little screen time. There’s a mob boss figure who powers the story, as much of a story as there is, but he’s barely featured enough to matter.
The detectives hot on the monsters’ trail are just as thinly sketched. The actors look alternately bored or bewildered, and Cruz’s story arc is pure cringe.
It’s hard to knock a film that swings for the fences like “The Bride!” The film just doesn’t measure up to its bold ambitions. The best way to savor it is to bring those fences in until even a pint-sized Little Leaguer could swat it out of the park.
HiT or Miss: “The Bride!” is a messy, madcap love story that looks smashing but eventually wears out its welcome.