Horror and dumb go together like peas and cah-rots, to paraphrase Forrest Gump.
Think:
There’s a serial killer on the loose … let’s split up!
The monster sure looks like it’s dead. Let’s drop our weapons!
You know the drill.
“Abigal” is a different kind of dumb. The film’s screenplay insults us at every turn. You can’t help but question what’s happening instead of letting go and having fun.
Young, talented Abigail (Alisha Weir, very good despite the story around her) gets kidnapped as the story opens. The fledgling ballerina is the daughter of a powerful mob boss, and a gaggle of goons hopes to squeeze him for a tidy ransom.
That makes sense, except what the thugs don’t realize is that Abigail is more than a gifted dancer. She’s a vampire, and by kidnapping her they may have sealed their fate.
It’s wonderful to see a horror movie that can be summed up in two tight paragraphs. Simple. Effective.
Deadly.
Except at nearly every step “Abigail” undermines that streamlined approach. The goon squad in question is effectively cast, including “Scream” alum Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Giancarlo Esposito, the late Angus Cloud and Kathryn Newton.
No problem there. Yet the sequences leading up to the vampiric reveal are a snooze. These crooks bicker and brood, but there’s little wit to snack upon.
The screenplay, by Stephen Shields and Guy Busick, gets worse as the story progresses. The dialogue teems with obvious comments and way too much profanity. Stevens gets the worst of it. His character is akin to nails on a chalkboard sprung to life.
Horror hounds who live to see on-screen blood, however, will be in heaven. “Abigail” gushes with the red stuff, along with other internal organs. It’s SplatterVision, and at the very least it keeps viewers from nodding off.
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The bigger issue is clear.
Even dumber than dumb horror movies have an internal logic of sorts. Not here.
One minute, young Abigail can break through doors like they’re tissue paper. The next? They hold her at bay.
We’re told her vampirism doesn’t mesh with the undead lore we’ve seen from countless movies. Later, it’s all about wooden stakes and the fear of sunlight.
Huh?
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Our antiheroes make it all but impossible to cheer on. Barrera, whose bond with her off-screen child is the only humanity seen on screen, barely makes an impact. At one point we’re asked to feel sorry for a vampire despite all the dead bodies littering the screen.
Sorry. That’s not happening.
“Abigail” doesn’t know when to quit. Literally. The running time is inexcusably long, allowing for even more head-scratching reveals and faux endings.
You’ll have a laugh or two, and the cast mostly knows to keep tongues buried in cheeks. Otherwise, the visual chaos that is “Abigail” isn’t worth a look.
HiT or Miss: “Abigail” starts strong but ends up burying audiences in a flood of dumb vampire shtick.
It’s always been almost impossible to find a horror movie that doesn’t suck, and apparently, nothing has changed.
The only true vampire in my book is Dracula. All others are just usurpers, pretenders and wannabes.
I love a good vampire show, but this is stupid. The Netflix Dracula 3-part series was very good. There needs to be more like this.
No “Civil War” review yet? I didn’t miss it, did I?