Whereas potential film goers agree to see the screen adaptation of E.L. James' "Fifty Shades of Grey" the following rules must be adhered to for maximum pleasure.

The agreement is entered into starting Feb. 13, 2015, the date when the Universal Pictures film “Fifty Shades of Grey” officially hits theaters.

 

  1. The participant must understand that most film critics will reflexively mock said motion picture in part due to the titillating material on display.
  2. Participants enter the theater understanding that a blockbuster film of this nature will sand away the source material’s rough edges for maximum ticket sales, leaving what may be dubbed “S&M Lite” for our bemusement.
  3. Be it known that enjoying the film doesn’t require absorbing the source material or even craving an intellectual odyssey.
  4. Participants may bring a date, but caution is advised for couples who haven’t yet crossed the 5-date threshold.
  5. Participants should know that co-star Dakota Johnson, cast as the vulnerable Anastasia Steele, conveys the combined beauty of her movie-star parents – Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith.
  6. Said actress may credit nepotism for her good fortune, but her performance herein will quickly lead to more parts in rapid order.
  7. The undersigned agrees that co-star Jamie Dornan, who plays the controlling Christian Grey, opted against a standard movie star trailer for a portable Bally’s Gym.
  8. Ticket holders are allowed to deny reading the source material even if they had done so two or more times.
  9. Male movie goers are allowed to ask partners to screen two consecutive Liam Neeson movies in exchange for seeing “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Said movie goers, however, are allowed to waive this agreement should they admit to secretly enjoying the film.
  10. It is understood that those paying full-price admission realize this is but the first in a film franchise, so the final moments are not meant to wrap the story in a nice, clean bow.

Failure to comply with all of the aforementioned rules will be met with swift punishment.