Jeff Goldblum’s “Jurassic Park” character had more charisma in his pinky than anyone in “Jurassic World Rebirth.”
Yeah, that’s a problem.
Watching dinosaurs romp across the screen will never get old. It’s why “Rebirth” is the seventh film in the “Jurassic” saga, and likely the start of a new trilogy. We still need characters to care about, and the heroes in “Jurassic World Rebirth” barely qualify.
And you can blame the scribe who set this saga in motion for that state of affairs.
Scarlett Johansson supplies the star power as Zora Bennett, an “extraction” specialist who takes a team into a part of the globe where the remaining dinosaurs roam. The film starts five years after the events of “Jurassic World: Dominion,” and the creatures can only thrive in select climates.
It’s the ultimate “no-go” zone, but that won’t stop the intrepid Zora and friends.
Why risk life and limb on such an extraction? The beasts harbor chemicals that can lead to a crush of life-saving medicines. The trick? Nabbing samples and returning to society in one piece.
The “science” behind “Jurassic World Rebirth” is dumber than a second-tier “Barney & Friends” episode. We can look past that if the story engages us and the characters matter.
Swinggggg, and a miss.
The team includes a dull paleontologist (Jonathan Bailey), the financial guru funding the mission (Rupert Friend) and ship captain Duncan Kincaid (Mahershala Ali).
Hiring a two-time Oscar winner like Ali for such a forgettable part is darn near criminal. Lock them up!
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There’s a villain in the midst, naturally, but the character is so poorly drawn that it barely matters.
A secondary story follows a Latino family that gets shipwrecked early in the film and must scramble for survival. It’s moderately more engaging than the A. plot, mostly because the father figure (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) cares about protecting his brood.
Director Gareth Edwards of “Godzilla” fame knows the prehistoric ropes, but little in his visual toolkit catches us by surprise. We know all the ways dinosaurs sneak up on their prey, rendering even the “startling” moments moot.
Been there, seen better dinosaur sequences. Sorry.
Edwards showed far more flair with both “Rogue One” and “The Creator.” Here, he’s punching the clock. And boy, does it show.
Veteran screenwriter David Koepp (“Jurassic Park,” “Spider-Man,” “Carlito’s Way”) deserves much of the blame. Look past the stupefying science and illogical plotting. Koepp gives us little to savor.
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The laugh lines mostly miss. Johansson’s character isn’t even woke enough to be a Mary Sue. She’s Generic Action Hero … just add water. And don’t even think about any possible romance between Zora and her handsome co-stars.
We can’t have that, can we?
Look all you want, but you won’t find anything resembling a character arc or meaty theme. The morality behind finding a miracle drug gets mentioned a few times. Do you get rich off the discovery or share it with the world?
The ensuing debates are beyond vapid, robbing the story of anything resembling texture.
Why are we here again? Oh, the dinosaur clashes. They’re perfectly fine but nothing can compare to what Steven Spielberg uncorked in the movie that started it all.
So why bother?
The bigger question is why hire the likes of Johansson and Ali when you’ve given them nothing to do but look afraid of CGI dinosaurs created in post?
“Jurassic Park Rebirth” doesn’t come close to sharing any answers.
HiT or Miss: “Jurassic World Rebirth” is a popular franchise stuck on stupid.