HiT DVD Review: ‘Blood Glacier’

Climate Change thriller yields unintentional laughs, not scares

“Blood Glacier” shows what happens when climate change shrinks the earth’s glaciers.

The net result for the film’s audience? We’re lulled to sleep by a preachy movie brimming with bargain-basement effects.

Blood Glacier Official Trailer 1 (2014) - Horror Movie HD

The trouble starts with the opening credits, which explain that the remaining climate change skeptics have fallen silent in the year … 2014. Yes, the same year filled with reports of increasing ice amounts and a global warming “pause.”

“The climate disaster is worse than ever imagined … life on earth will change forever,” we’re told.

None of that text is required for the story which follows. It’s simply a sign the filmmakers intend to bludgeon us before trying to scare us silly.

One out of two ain’t bad.


We’re then introduced to a glum group of climate scientists investigating a station which suddenly stopped transmitting data. They discover a glacier coated in what appears to be blood, but it’s really a group of one-celled organisms unlike anything they’ve seen before.

The team also runs into a “rabid fox” and other abnormalities revealing the film’s modest FX budget. Those creatures are directly tied to the shrinking glaciers, and the worst is yet to come.

DID YOU KNOW: ‘Blood Glacier’ had its world premiere at the 2013 Toronto International Film Festival.

Horror movies rarely win kudos for their dialogue, but this German import reaches new lows for the spoken word. The film ladles on the eco-warnings, never stopping to think how awful it might sound coming from a human being’s mouth.

“I thought I’d come back here and save the climate,” says one scientist as to why she returned to the doomed station.

Later, another woman starts snarfing down food just as the tension boils over.

“Stop eating that banana while you’re crying!” someone barks at her.

The team at Mystery Science Theater 3000 has its work cut out for it.

“Blood Glacier’s” bleak but beautiful surroundings keep us engaged for a while, but who would want to spend any time with these ugly, thinly-detailed characters? Our heart goes out to a dog caught in the climate change crossfire, but the critter holds the film’s sole reservoir of sympathy.

“Blood Glacier’s” practical effects are crude but oddly welcome, in a sort of “Star Trek” circa 1967 way. One operating scene in particular promises to make you hit the rewind button, but it ends before the bloody business can really begin.

A few potentially gonzo moments follow, but they, too, fail to deliver the B-movie goods.

Watch the film with subtitles, not English dubbing. That atrocious dialogue sounds even worse when delivered by hack voiceover artists.

HiT or Miss: Preachy, cheap and devoid of relatable characters, “Blood Glacier” is a waste of indie horror space.

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